The other night I was reading a post where another blogger was sharing a story about the troubles with an in-law. I was reading along and empathizing with her when she was describing how mean and hurtful that in-law could be. But I darn near choked on my cup of water when I got to the end where she ended her post with a wish that this in-law could be a part of her children’s life. It got me thinking about something….something that might be a little much….or maybe not.
I’m not sure if there’s a delicate way to phrase this, so I’ll just lay it out there. If someone in your immediate or extended family is mean, cruel, rude, or otherwise just plain not nice, you have NO (read it N-O) obligation to associate or deal with them just because they are family. In truth, if a relative is any of the above things, I’m surprised you’d even want them involved in your family life.
The sad truth is that in most families, there is someone who doesn’t fit the mold. Maybe they had troubles in youth or in adulthood, but either way, their presence or influence is simply not positive or healthy. It isn’t condemnation. It just might be truth. In these cases, we need to look at our walks and our beliefs to see how to proceed.
For me, I don’t believe that the Lord wants me to be around certain types of people just because they are related to me. If someone doesn’t have similar beliefs or a similar lifestyle, then they probably wouldn’t be an immediate part of my social cricle. So why on earth should I have to spend time with someone that I would not choose to associate with on a regular basis just because we might have similar DNA? And to take it a step further, if I wouldn’t be hanging out with them by choice, then why should I want them to be a part of my child’s life? Especially knowing that their influence will most likely be anything BUT loving and Godly?
Don’t get me wrong. As a believer in Christ, I strive to show everyone love, caring, and understanding. I strive to love my enemy, love my neighbor, love my brother. I just don’t believe in compromising myself or my walk to hang out with individuals who are a negative influence in my life. That being said, I wouldn’t allow my children to hang around individuals who are a negative influence in my life either – regardless of whether or not they are considered family. Mark 3:33 “He replied to them, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?”
In Mark 9:42, the Lord says “And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.” If a relative or in-law is a negative influence on our children, then not only are they responsible for causing our kids to stumble, but WE, as parents, would be responsible as well for even allowing that source of negativity into our children’s lives.
In summary, if you have a mean in-law or relative, do NOT be afraid to cut-off ties. Do NOT be afraid to omit them from family gatherings. Do NOT be afraid to treat them as someone who ISN’T family. My family is a family in Christ. Either you’re a part of it or you aren’t. It doesn’t mean I won’t pray for you. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I’m making the decision to put my Walk and my faith before DNA.
Denise says
March 8, 2011 at 4:27 pmThank you. The decision to cut off a familial relationship is not one to be taken lightly, but is sometimes necessary. It’s not easy. We had to cut off relations with my husband’s sister and husband. They were becoming increasingly cruel to me and our kids. And, she was not cruel to just us, but to her cousin and wife (and kids), too. We discussed this with our minister and decided it was for the best to terminate the relationship. The cousin and family severed relations first. We are on good terms with the cousin and family–good thing since we are godparents and guardians for each other’s children.
My husband’s parents don’t understand. They still try to force us into situations that would involve them and we stand our ground.
Always, give it over to God! He will lead you to the right decision for your family.
Miriam T. says
March 8, 2011 at 5:28 pmAmen!
It’s definitely not a decision that should be made impulsively, or emotionally, but through prayer and careful thought.
So glad you’re standing your ground. Live is too short to be forced to deal with mean people.
Anonymous says
March 8, 2011 at 7:02 pmI wholeheartedly agree but my husband doesn’t. He says family is family. I have cut ties with MY sil (my brothers wife). They are local and have 6 kids whom I still love dearly. I’ve even been to their house as the request of the oldest for her 16th birthday but I simply make no effort to communicate with her mother. I am not rude when I’m around her I just don’t seek out conversations with her at all. She proclaims to be a super active christian but is leading a life that is turning her own children against Christianity and mistreats many people in our church for her own use. My personal opinion is that she is a neglectful mother to her special needs children and I simply don’t have the emotional energy to deal with her constant drama. My kids are exposed to her as little as possible as I don’t think it’s healthy for them at all. Bu t my husband remains friends with her on facebook, regularly chatting with her online and in person. It’s fairly frustrating. But unless he attempts to involve our children I don’t think I have much say over who he stays in contact with.
Miriam T. says
March 8, 2011 at 9:47 pmI definitely want to encourage you to stand in what you know is right. I know it can be tough when your partner doesn’t see it the way you do. But if your choices are based in truth, then compromising your beliefs will only invite more drama and problems into your life.
The best you can do is keep praying for both your SiL and your husband with the faith that “The Lord’s got that.”
🙂
Jayne says
March 8, 2011 at 7:12 pmI’ve been saying this for years and it has not been well received, for the most part.
I remember doing a study in the book of Proverbs and realizing that there were family members that fit God’s admonition to not associate with. So, if you’re around anyone that the Word tells you to stay away from, then stay away. The Word doesn’t say “except for blood relatives.”
Miriam T. says
March 8, 2011 at 9:42 pmExactly. If we look at what a family should be, it’s a group of people who care for, support, encourage, and love one another. A requirement for “family” isn’t shared DNA.
VenturaD says
March 12, 2011 at 1:04 amIn Colossians 3:12-15 Paul says:
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful.”
This was written to a Christian community, but as Christians, shouldn’t we endeavor to practice this with all of our acquaintances—Christian, family, or secular? Those with whom we share DNA (immediate or extended family) are also those with whom we share a history. It is within our families that we learn our first social skills. Sometimes family relationships are bad. In the worst cases, such as pedophilic male relatives or siblings who steal from us to pay for a drug habit, cutting off ties may be imperative. This particularly applies to family members who are a danger to our children.
However, we should be very careful about cutting off relationships. In Romans 12:2 Paul indicates that are to be transformed, and I believe that the traits listed in the Colossians passage above represent the direction that God wants us to take. It may be easier for me to break off ties with an individual than to submit to the discipline of allowing myself to be transformed by God in the context of that relationship.
We often are thrown together with people that we have not chosen to be with—coworkers, church members, and family members, for example. Interactions with some of these people may be difficult for us. It seems to me that the Colossians passage applies even in the difficult cases, regardless of whether the offending person is a brother or sister in Christ or a brother or sister in DNA.
Miriam T. says
March 12, 2011 at 5:48 pmThe scripture can be used by both sides to argue tolerating certain circumstances or leaving them.
Many have been hurt in the name of Christianity. Many children have been abused in the name of Christianity. The same people who spout love, compassion, and forgiveness, in many cases are the same ones who have perpetrated the ungodly acts. A person should be guided by more than just words before making the decision to be around those who have hurt them. They should also use wisdom. If there is a lack of wisdom, then we should do as the scripture suggests and pray for more of it. Many times this is the only thing missing in our lives before things begin to improve.
Walking in love is the foundation of Christianity but God also gave us wisdom to remove ourselves from circumstances that hold us down. A person can forgive another for their wrongdoings, but that doesn’t mean they have to associate with them. What about those individuals who never confessed of past wrongdoings yet expect those that they hurt to continue to come around? In that situation, forgiveness hasn’t been asked for and it’s not always up to the person who was hurt to bring up the situation in order to get over it. They can go to the Lord and receive His word and His spirit as a sense of comfort, fulfillment, and healing, even without having to face those who wronged them. It depends on where they are in their walk and how stable and how prepared they are to face that head on.
Yes, we are supposed to walk in love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. But we are also supposed to walk in wisdom and in truth. No man can judge another man’s walk and the decisions that we make should be based on our own walk. As Christians, we all should strive to have a closer relationship with God and His son, Jesus Christ, and our walks should be guided by that relationship, as well as the scriptures.
Everything that you’ve written is most definitely true, but it’s important for Christians to know that it is OK to remove themselves from negative circumstances that might prevent their spiritual growth. We are supposed to love and pray for everyone whether we are in their presence or not, but we don’t have to compromise our own peace of mind just to make others happy.
This topic can be debated by both sides and there is no one right answer.
The scripture says that He doesn’t give us more than we can bear and it also says “lead us not into temptation.” That being said, we are not supposed to go into circumstances we can’t bear and we are not supposed to go into circumstances that could tempt us to become what we don’t want to be either.
This message isn’t intended to cause people to cut-off loved ones and family members. Its purpose is to remind them that they can remove themselves from more than what they can bear and from situations that tempt them to sin. Being in a state of anger or depression can also be considered being in a state of sin if we know that there is something we can do to relieve ourselves from it. We are supposed to pray to God in all things and we are also supposed to do what we can to change things for the best.
As long as reading scriptures and prayer is the foundation of our walk, we should have the faith that we will be led in the right direction. If we do veer off of the right path, the Lord always reminds us who we are and the direction that we are supposed to be going in. If we believe that someone we know and love is off the right path, the most we can do is share with them our perspective and pray that God send His spirit to guide them in the way that they should go.
One thing we have learned from history is that trying to tell someone how to behave according to their religious beliefs always backfires and does not work. God gave every man/woman free will. As long as the heart is right and we strive to become better in Christ, we can rest assured that we are on the right path and that we are not alone.
🙂
Kristin says
February 19, 2012 at 4:34 pmWhat an excellent post and, as you know, I couldn’t agree more right now. I do NOT think that family ties trump all else. I have relatives that I do NOT associate with and don’t want anywhere near my children because they’re MONSTERS. Full of hate and hurt. Moving on!!
Lily @Militaryfamof8 says
August 22, 2012 at 10:06 pmThank you Miriam for writing such inspiring post. It’s clear the choice that should be made, it’s hard to have a heart that doesn’t know how to say no. I loved your post and your decision to put your walk before anyone 😉